She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*