SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I think they could have phrased this better
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
At least he brought enough for everyone
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.