Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.