My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
#Caturday
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”