The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Geez man, take it easy.
What flavor cupcake are these
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY