My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You Might Also Like
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood