You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If snakes were wide
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!