I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.