I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.