Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Yes
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator