When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You Might Also Like
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!