I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting