Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
You Might Also Like
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.