This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
road rage
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”