Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
plant them where lol
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye