just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.