I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.