wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot