This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police