Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
You Might Also Like
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.