Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide