My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
*exercises sarcastically*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.