i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Lmbo
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
choose your gary
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting