I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You Might Also Like
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“Wait, let me explain..”
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.