Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
They’re really bad with fonts.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?