I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”