Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
12653.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer