If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.