I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry