[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
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Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
No way!
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)