So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.