even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Probably my best painting.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*