I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I would move hell over six inches for you
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*