A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂