Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.