Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
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My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
just got my engagement photos
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again