I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”