Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
They got a point!
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral