I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.