me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
it was love at first sight
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.