Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
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I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
based al yankovic
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?