How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen