Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!