I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
my dog when i have a friend over
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)