My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor