I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
You Might Also Like
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The funk soul brother
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach