If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?