HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Feels like the fourth month in January
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening