If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy