my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
You Might Also Like
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Life hack
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly